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Monthly Archives: June 2008

George Carlin, Pacman, Don Imus and Politicians

23 Jun

I just have a few “quickies” to touch on.

First, I must say how saddened I was to hear George Carlin died. That man was funny as hell, he was honest, and he is going to be missed.

I loved that guy. 

Second, can someone please put a plug or something in Don Imus’ mouth? Seems he’s in trouble again… during his show, when being told about the legal and professional problems plaguing football player Adam “Pacman” Jones, Imus asks… “What color is he?”

Who the fuck cares?

Asshole.

I can’t stand that guy- Imus, not Pacman.

Seriously.

Being fired once for being a racist ass wasn’t good enough? Does he feel the need to go for an all-time record?

Jerk.

Moving on… I just want to touch on this McClellan stuff real quick.

Is anyone paying attention to the stuff he’s saying? 

This is the same nation who, just a few years ago, wanted Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton burned at the stake (well, I didn’t, but…) for making some intern chick get hers by way of a cigar in the oval office.

Bad judgment? Yep.

But really- if we can fry a guy for that, where’s the outrage at Bush and his administration?

They’re all a bunch of lyin’ asses, and their lies didn’t merely embarrass us. Their lies didn’t simply ruin a marriage. Their lies have cost millions of people their lives. From our service men/women to the innocent civilians that are killed daily… and yet he doesn’t have shit to worry about, does he?

Nope.

Next, we have this Charlie Black guy. I have to talk about him.

He’s McCain’s chief advisor. He’s decided that another terrorist attack would be a huge victory for McCain.

Wow.

Really? Now we’re measuring terror attacks based on which political candidate such a tragedy would give the edge to?

I say, stop wishing attacks on this nation and concentrate on finding that fucker Bin Laden!

For Gods’ Sake.

Finally, let’s talk about this stupid quote that’s floating the internet, being attributed to Obama. People are flippin’ out because they think Obama said this nation is no longer a Christian nation, that’s it’s a Mustlim nation instead.

Please.

Can I just say, stop being idiots, stop being sheep, stop believing every damn word you hear… and educate yourselves?!

Obama, even if he believed such a stupid thing would never go on record to say it.

Duh.

He actually wants to win, people. Keep that in mind.

What Obama said, for those of you who care, is that the United States is no longer a solely Christian nation.

He’s right.

That’s not controversial at all.

For those of you who want to keep manipulating his words… stuff it.

You look ignorant.

 

 
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Posted by on June 23, 2008 in Life, News, Politics, Race, War on Terror

 

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Farts, Humping and Stripper Shoes

18 Jun

Ahh…

Kids do and say the darnedest things, don’t they?

Yesterday as I was preparing dinner my three year old came over to me. She pulled me down so that my face was even with hers… I’m thinking I’m about to be told something very important.

“I farted. Jealous?”

Yea.

This morning while dropping both my daughters off at daycare (it’s summer break, but momma’s still gotta work), one of the teachers complimented me on the brown shoes I was wearing.

She told me they’re cute…

Before I could thank her, The Diva (a.k.a. my oldest daughter) jumps into the conversation.

“Yeah, but that outfit would be so much cuter if she’d have worn her stripper shoes”.

Huh.

I promptly, though blushingly told her that “stripper shoes” is not an appropriate term, especially for a nine year old.

She responded by saying, “Why? That’s what YOU call them”

Whatever.

From the mouths of babes, right?

So I’m at work, and my co-worker tells me she had to whup her son- he’s six- the other day.

He asked a girl if she would like to hump him.

Wow.

Does he even know what humping is?!?!

Yep, sure does.

Upon learning that her son has propositioned a classmate, my co-worker is mortified.

She wonders, “How did my son learn this word? How can he possibly know what humping is?”

She fearfully asks him all the necessary questions…

Has anyone ever touched him in his privates? No.

Has anyone ever said anything sexual in nature to him? No.

Alright, at least it doesn’t look as if he needs counseling to heal from being molested by some deviant…

So how does he know what humping means?

He saw it on TV.

My co-worker’s brother, who watches the little boy while she’s at work during the day says he learned it “from the pedophile on Family Guy”.

Ok, I have to admit- when I heard that- I snickered some. I love that show!

My co-worker beat the child silly, and promptly put her brother on punishment.

Nevermind that he’s 42.

The next day, she instructed her son to tell his father what he had received a spanking for.

His response?

“I did something private”

Apparently he almost got another beating… not only does he know what humping is… but he knows it’s private and therefore inappropriate…

Now if that ain’t a man in the making, I don’t know what is!

 
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Posted by on June 18, 2008 in Children, Funny, Humor, Life, Single Mom

 

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Cops, Drug Paraphernalia, Dobbs and License Plates

17 Jun

Alright, so sometimes shit gets away from me, and I fall a little (ahem) behind on stuff that needs to get done.

For example, my plates expired in March.

Yeah, March. It’s June.

Why have I not been all over this?

Sigh.

Who knows. Just wasn’t worried about it, I guess.

Consequently, I’ve been driving on expired tags for the better part of 3 months now. The longer I was able to go without getting caught, the less I worried about renewing my plates, and the lower it went on the list of shit to get done.

Well, I got pulled over yesterday.

Damn.

It was an ordeal, too. Ol’ Barney Fife was convinced I had weed paraphernalia in my vehicle. Even asked if it was ok to search it. I was pissed he’d even ask such a thing… but the reason is that about a year ago, one of my license plates got stolen… and it was used in some kinda drug deal or something. The plate became evidence in a trial, so I never got it back.

The problem is, every time I get pulled over now, we have to go through this, “M’am, do you have drugs in the vehicle?” nonense.

Annoying as hell.

Anyway, once we got that all worked out- and he realized I’m just a suburban chick from St. Charles on my way to work, Mr. Copper decided to give me a ticket for the expired tags. 

Shoot. Now I really do have to get my plates renewed. Stat.

Fine.

So I get in to work this morning, and diligently- first thing- called Dobbs because they’re right down the street from my job, and scheduled my inspection and emissions testing for this afternoon. Then I hopped online and paid my personal property tax… I was on a roll!

I started to think that this is pretty easy afterall and maybe I was a teeny bit stupid for having waited so long to begin with.

I asked my friend to follow me to the car place so I could drop my vehicle off, and she can give me a ride back. I had the appointment scheduled and everything, so off we go.

Why can’t anything be simple?

See, when we got to Dobbs, no one knew who I was. Said they didn’t have anything scheduled for me today, and certainly were not expecting a 2006 Chrysler Sebring…

Well what happened then?

I was adamant.

“I TALKED TO TOM!! Where is he?? He’s the guy who scheduled this thing!!”

“M’am”, I was told, “There is no Tom here”.

What?

Shit. Am I hallucinating again? Did I or did I not just call these people and make an appointment?

Huh. 

I’m almost sure I did… 

That’s when they tell me… “I think there’s a guy named Tom at the other Dobbs, at the other end of Olive”.

I’m at the wrong Dobbs.

Who knew there are 2 of them on the street I work on?

That should be outlawed. Having 2 of the exact same establishments on the same damn street is just plain greedy. 

Not to mention very confusing.

How the hell was I supposed to know where I was calling? I just looked in the phone book, saw the street name (so what if I paid no attention whatsoever to the address itself) and called.

“Well ok- so I made the appointment at the wrong flippin’ place. So what? I’m here now. Can’t you just be a dear and squeeze me in real quick? Please?”

Yeah- that’s me actually begging.

They were unsympathetic to my plight (jerks) and sent me off to the correct Dobbs.

Crap.

What started as a quick little break from work to drop my car off is turning into an hour-long scavenger hunt. I hate scavenger hunts to begin with.

That other stupid Dobbs may technically be on the same street as this one, but lord help me it was far enough away.

This nightmare took so long, I had to call my boss to explain why I had been AWOL from the office for such an extended period…

She laughed at me.

In response, I wished her many years of unsuccessful plate-renewals. That’ll teach her.

I finally found the right stupid place and managed to drop my car off. The guy wanted to know what my license plate number was, when I was standing at the counter waiting for them put me in the computer.

I didn’t respond.

I guess he could tell by the look on my face that it’d been a bad morning cuz he didn’t ask again. He just said, “You know what, I’ll skip that part for now… I can always go get your plate number later”.

Yeah. Do that.

I have never been shy about the fact that when it comes time to handle certain things- lightbulbs, tires, oil changes- and now state inspections/emissions/plate-renewals…

I hate being single.

However make no mistake. Once my car passes that inspection and I don’t have to worry about tags again for 2 more years… I will once again be a happily single chick… until a lightbulb goes out or I need another oil change, that is.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2008 in Funny, Humor, Life, Single Mom

 

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Tribute to My Dad

15 Jun

It’s Father’s Day, so of course I have to talk about my daddy.

How the heck can I describe him and where in the world should I start?

My father is one of my only true heroes. He is amazing, and I’m not just saying that cuz he’s my dad.

He’s a great man for putting up with all my crap over the years… and he’s a great man for never giving up on me, for always believing in my greatness- even when that was the last thing I could see in myself. 

My dad is the guy when I’m at my worst, suffering the consequences of all the riduculous decisions I’ve made, who can still look me in the eye and tell me he’s proud of me.

He means it too.

Growing up, my father pushed me to excel no matter what… he was tough. If I got a B on a test in school, a typical reaction from him would be, “That’s not bad… but why wasn’t it an A?” He taught me that regardless of the situation, no matter the circumstances, if I did not give it my all, it simply wasn’t good enough.

If I wanted to watch TV, it was my father that would restrict various shows, saying, “There is no socially redeeming value in that…”

I would get so mad… but it’s a phrase I use to this day, when restricting my own kids’ access to the television.

He led by example, and I watched my father work hard at everything he’s ever done- be it as the VP of Finance for a healthcare company, or as a student in Seminary, or as the passionate leader of a congregation of hundreds, and most importantly, as my father.

He’s the one who took me horseback riding every Saturday morning growing up. He’s the one, when I was terrified to try my first jump on that stupid horse Rascal, who hopped on an even crazier horse, and took an even bigger jump- just to show me it was ok.

My father is the one who taught me to love thunderstorms… when a big one would come at night, he’d open the blinds in my room, and say, “Look! It’s a light-light-light show!”… another trick I have used with my own daughters.

He’s the one who read me bedtime stories every night, and still to this day buys me a book every year for Christmas. He taught me to love reading and learning, and all these years later, I still do.

When I couldn’t sleep at night, my dad was the one who would come in my room and make up silly songs to sing to me. I had a stuffed pink poodle that when wound up would play Brahms Lullabye… I think I was almost 20 years old before I realized that the lyrics to that song are NOT, “Lullabye, eat a pie, so your dreams will come true…”

When I was in piano competitions, and the judges would say something to the effect of, “What a beautiful job she did playing that Mozart… but her left pinky looked a little weak”, my dad was the one who nearly strangled them for saying such a thing about his baby girl.

When I got older, and it was time to start looking at colleges, my dad was the one who went through the entire process with me. He spent countless weekends on the road with me, visiting schools all over the place, taking tours of campuses both large and small, pouring over countless pamphlets and welcome packets.

When I had narrowed down the list, and decided which music schools I was going to audition for admittance to, he was the one who went with me. He was the one who- often literally- wiped the sweat from my brow when it was time to face the music board at Oberlin, and Heidelberg… he was the one who celebrated with me when I was accepted at various schools… and he was the one who wanted to have the entire music departments fired at the ones I didn’t get into.

He was the one holding my hand when the verdict- “guilty”- came in during my rape trial.

He took me to see “Hello Dolly” with the original Carol Channing as Dolly… and he took me to see “Phantom of the Opera”… I am, to this day, a musical nut.

I inherited my love of steak from my dad… and I inherited my strong sense of justice, and fighting for those less fortunate from him. My dad is the strongest man I know, but he is a man of quiet strength. He gets his points across lovingly and compassionately… often with a touch of humor, but I have never known him to strongarm or bully a single human being.

My Dad has the voice of God… a deep, booming voice… he commands attention, and makes people want to hear what he has to say.

To me, Daddy, you are the greatest and I love you dearly.

 

 
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Posted by on June 15, 2008 in Children, Life, Memories, Nostalgia, Religion

 

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“Whitey” Never Happened, Neither Did Most of the Other Nonsense…

12 Jun

Can we please just put an end to this crap?

Michelle Obama never used the word “whitey” while speaking from the pulpit at Trinity United Church of Christ.

As a matter of fact, she has never even spoken from the pulpit at Trinity at all.

Ever.

Simply because Trinity UCC is predominantly black (and proud of it) does not make it, nor any of its members- the Obamas included- evil.

How many of you attend all white churches? Bet you don’t think there’s anything wrong with that… so why the hell should Obama or anyone else apologize for worshipping at a mostly black one?

Who cares that it was once-upon-a-time led by Rev. Wright?

What about Rev. Hagee? Or Pat Robertson? Those two guys- legitimately- have a helluva lot more to apologize for than Wright does, with all their hate-mongering and scare tactics.

As a matter of fact, so do all those nasty Catholic Priests who’ve been preying on little boys.

Religion is controversial. Period. No matter what your damn denomination is.

Whatever.

I’m pissed, dammit… but moving on… cuz that ain’t the only thing I need to cover…

Next, Barack Obama is NOT hiding his birth certificate, and in fact, you can even see it here.

He’s not Muslim, he wasn’t raised Muslim, and he did NOT attend a Muslim school- ever. He lived in a country that has a large Muslim population for a while… but because his parents weren’t wealthy enough to send him to the neighboring private Catholic school, he instead attended the non-religious public school… much like what exists in this country.

He has always been, and still remains, a devout Christian.

All these stupid rumors are debunked on Obama’s new website, and thank God for whoever’s idea it was to set this thing up.

I don’t expect everyone to love Obama, nor do I expect everyone to agree with his political views- hell, I don’t even expect everyone to like the guy. That’s what makes this a great country to live in. We don’t have to agree with each other all the time.

But jeez… cut the guy some slack. Just because Farakhan endorsed him doesn’t mean he’s Muslim… or that he has plans to take over the world by rockin’ Black Power.

Just as McCain doesn’t necessarily agree with Hagee’s comments about the Holocaust- in spite of the fact that he publicly sought Hagee’s endorsement- which by the way is something that Obama never did- not with Rev. Wright or Farakhan- Obama doesn’t necessarily agree with their words either.

I have the freedom to “Barack the vote”, and others have the freedom to vote for that old fart McCain- or anyone else they choose.

It’s cool. Really.

What infuriates me beyond words are the lies.

If someone dislikes Obama- that’s ok- dislike him… but dislike him for legitimate reasons, and stop the vicious lies.

Stop being sheep, and quit following the herd cuz it’s the most convenient thing to do.

Just because someone prints something, writes it out in black and white, doesn’t make it true.

Shame on those of you who believe this nonsense being said about Obama… and shame on you same people for forwarding it to your friends and adding fuel to the fire.

Think for yourselves. Educate yourselves. Know what’s important to you- and then pick the candidate that will best represent you.

Putting a bunch of crap that isn’t even true out there is ignorant, and quite frankly makes those of you who take it all at face value look stupid.

 
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Posted by on June 12, 2008 in Life, News, Politics, Race, Religion

 

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Doctors, Blue Eyes and Divorce

12 Jun

Visits to the doctor have the potential to be embarrassing enough as it is.

This visit, however, was the visit from hell.

So I’m waiting on that stupid bed/table thingy they make you sit on, with nothing on but that dumb hospital gown… feeling exposed, and more than a little ridiculous.

The doctor comes in… he’s some Indian guy with blue eyes. Who ever heard of such a thing?! Blue eyes? That can’t be natural.

He’s viewing my chart, sees that I’ve had a touch of the depression lately, and that I may have gained a pound or two recently. 

He starts looking me up and down…

“So, looks like you’ve both gained a few pounds and gotten divorced in the past year, huh?”

I nod in the affirmative… the last 18 months have been rough… so maybe I ate a few too many french fries to get through it.

Sue me.

The doctor says to me, “I just don’t understand. Not only should you be happy to have gotten rid of your hubby- not depressed- but you should have lost weight- not gained it! You’re on the market now!”

Woah. I think he’s serious.

I hate him.

I ponder, can I actually kick him in the shin and get away with it?

Probably not.

Dammit.

In my fantasy world, this doctor is a big fat ugly cow… who’s divorced… and broke… with lots of bills to pay… and very depressed… and can’t seem to stop gaining weight.

Oh- and fuck the blue eyes.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 12, 2008 in Dating, Funny, Humor, Life, Relationships, Single Mom

 

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Cluster-F*cks, War, McCain and The Today Show

11 Jun

Every day I find myself more and more surprised that Senator John McCain is actually considered a viable candidate for president.

I have to wonder if Ashton Kucher is behind all this nonsense, and we’re really all just getting Punk’d.

Really, how the heck does anyone take this guy seriously?

Most recently, good ol’ McCain was makin’ the rounds, appearing on the Today Show.

As one would expect, the topic of conversation quickly turned to Iraq, and our “occupation” over there (I prefer the term cluster-fuck, but I’m trying to be nice).

He was asked if he knew when we would start bringing our troops home…

His response?

“…That’s not too important…”

 Wow. It’s not?

Shit.

McCain went on to clarify- he actually feels that the casualties we’re incurring over there are more important than bringing our troops home.

Huh.

Now I’m no war expert or anything… but… um… wouldn’t the casualties, oh, I don’t know… end altogether… if we brought the troops home?

Just sayin’.

So what- this guy’s plan is to keep our troops over there until there are no more casualties and then bring ‘em home?

Yea. Cuz that makes all kinds of sense.

If we weren’t talking about people dying, this would almost be humorous… almost.

I love how those of us who are against this war are constantly being accused of not supporting our troops… and yet the guy those great “troop supporters” want to elect doesn’t even want to bring them home.

In the words of the Great Alanis Morissette… Isn’t it ironic?

 
4 Comments

Posted by on June 11, 2008 in Life, News, Politics, War on Terror

 

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Black, White… Whatever

10 Jun

Is Obama Black or Bi-racial?

That’s the headline I recently saw on CNN.

Damn, what a question- I can’t believe it’s something that never even crossed my mind… me, of all people.

I guess I just always thought of him as black…

We all know Obama’s mama is white, and his daddy is black… similarly, my own mother (biological) is white, and my father (again, biologically speaking) is black.

Personally, I consider myself bi-racial (or Native Halfrican American if I’m feeling frisky)… but I think of Obama as black.

I wonder what he considers himself… black? Bi-racial? Halfrican? (my personal favorite, I must say)… but really, does it matter what he considers himself?

The answer is no.

Why?

Because society, myself included (hanging my head in shame) has already labeled him black, regardless of what he himself may think.

In and of itself that’s not a bad thing… but as the CNN article states, even though Obama is as much white as he is black, he’s still considered, well… black.

As Jason Carroll geniusly points out, if elected, Obama will be both the 44th white president and the 1st black president- at the same time.

That’s pretty cool.

It is interesting how anyone with any discernable amount of black blood in their bodies are considered black… at least in society’s eyes.

I realize this practice dates back to slavery… anyone that had traceable amounts of black in them were deemed black, so they could legally be slaves.

What’s sad is that this practice (minus the slave part- duh) still exists today.

So many of those who swear racism no longer exists, who swear color doesn’t matter, still make the effort to label multi and bi-racial people like myself and Senator Obama black. Even people like me, who fight against racism, and truly love people of all colors are guilty of this.

It reminds me of a child who is a genius- very, very smart, but is told his entire life that he’s stupid. After a while, that’s how he identifies himself- regardless of the fact that it isn’t true.

Those of us of mixed heritage have been told by society over and over again for so long that we are black that we begin to personally identify ourselves that way, instead of as the beautiful mixture of both black and white that we truly do represent.

Why? They cannot enslave us any longer, nor can they deny us the right to vote or own property… is there something offensive about the idea that perhaps some of us do not fall into a simple “black” or “white” category?

I remember growing up, getting picked on because I talked “white”… to my peers, I was black… they didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t speaking in a manner that was stereotypical of how they felt black people should speak.

Rather than take the time to understand that I am as white as I am black, and further, was raised by a white family, I was instead labeled as uppity… Someone who because of my light skin tone and “good hair”, thought I was better than those who were darker than me.

Still to this day, if I dare try and openly celebrate my bi-racial heritage among the wrong people, there are negative consequences, people begin to feel threatened, telling me I am denying my heritage- that of a black woman.

If I do mention my bi-racial heritage, I generally must do so in a joking manner- calling myself Halfrican or Caucegro for example.

Otherwise I am being offensive in denying the black race others have labeled me with.

Why can I not be both?

I am both.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on June 10, 2008 in Children, Life, Memories, News, Politics, Race

 

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Renegade Chicken Captured

09 Jun

All is well with the world.

The elusive Mcdonald’s chicken has been caught.

Allow me to explain- apparently there was a renegade chicken on the loose at a McDonald’s restaurant in California.

Damn thing managed to live there for four months before being captured.

Customers often found themselves waiting patiently in the drive-thru line, unable to pull forward to pick up their orders because the stupid thing would park itself squarely in their way, refusing to move.

Every one of those customers are better than me… I’d have run its little cluckin’ ass over.

Nothing stands between me and my McDonald’s fries… nothing!

Over the months, many people attempted to capture the little sucker, all to no avail.

Some folks used their bare hands to try and grab her, while others attempted to lure her with tasty tidbits of food.

She was a smart little critter, that’s for sure.

Ultimately, she got a little too comfortable around all those people… and that was her downfall.

Sounds kind of like an episode of Law and Order to me… cocky (pardon the pun) criminal guy gets a little too comfortable… starts getting sloppy… therefore begins making mistakes… ultimately making that fatal error… the one that gets him/her caught…

This little chicken would usually sleep in some nearby bushes at night, away from the restaurant.

On this one fateful evening she decided instead to settle down for the evening on top of the drive-thru window box.

This time, they caught her… they exploited her hamburger weakness and lured her on over to them…

Thus, poor Chicken Little’s days of freedom and gorging on Big Macs has come to an end.

McDonalds did issue a statement saying that this particular chicken would not be used in their meat to make nuggets or any other chicken-based items.

Duh.

Like McDonald’s really needed to issue a statement to say that.

We all know they don’t use real meat in those damn nuggets anyway, renegade chicken on the loose or not.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 9, 2008 in Funny, Humor, Life, News

 

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A Good Reason to Stay Single

08 Jun

Ever since my divorce was final, I knew I would never again marry.

I pretty much based that decision on the bad taste my first marriage left in my mouth… kinda like morning breath on steroids.

In a word, it sucked.

Sure, it was nice to have someone to share the everyday burdens of life with. I liked being able to hand the kids off to him when I was completely out of patience and ready to wring their adorable little necks. I especially liked having someone around to change both my oil and the lightbulbs as needed.

As for the sex… well… nevermind.

Ultimately though- at the end of the day- the cons outweighed the pros… ten-fold.

I walked away from my divorce knowing two things- one, I was going to throw a party because it was finally over- and two, I was never and I mean never getting married again.

That’s why I found it interesting when I came across this article on msnbc. Reading it completely re-affirmed my reasons to never again do the aisle-walk thing.

Here’s another set of published stats to check out… this crap is just plain scary.

Interestingly, the timing of my coming across the msnbc article as well as the corresponding stats was perfect.

Just yesterday a dear friend of mine found out her sweetie pie had been cheating on her for the past 7 months.

She got him back… and while I don’t always condone revenge, I gotta say this one had it coming.

My friend wasn’t married… and if you read the stats, unmarried couples in monogomous relationships face the same fidelity challenges. 

Maybe, just maybe, humans aren’t meant to mate with “that one special person” for life.

Personally, I don’t like the odds, so I think I’d rather not play the game.

Back in the day, when I was younger and dumber, I remember being cheated on. It sucked more than words can describe.

It was a horrific ordeal, and I would rather stab myself in the eye with hot pokers than go through it again.

Luckily for all of us, it seems I don’t need to get into too much detail with regards to the pain infidelity causes… as the article states, approximately 1 in 5 of you, dear readers, have experienced this horrific ordeal yourselves.

To add insult to injury, it appears that of all these cheatin’ asses out there, only 2% ever actually get caught.

Therefore, as for my willingness to go there and get involved in a relationship again… 

No thank you.

I remember all too vividly the pain of realizing the one and only person I had ever trusted was being anything and everything but faithful.

Do it once, shame on them- do it twice, shame on me.

Some pals of mine say I’m just bitter… well, yea, I guess I am.

But for once, I have the numbers on my side, backin’ my ass up.

 
17 Comments

Posted by on June 8, 2008 in Dating, Life, Relationships

 

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