Posted in C-Haze, Funny, Humor, Single Mom

Internet, Staple Guns, Quitting Smoking and UPS


I quit smoking. I did it 2 days ago, cold turkey.

No smoking

I’ve certainly had the expected cravings… and have even felt homicidal a time or two. In addition, I am overly emotional. Yesterday, when my oldest daughter gave me a hug and thanked me for buying her a new outfit, I promptly burst into tears.

Last night was the most exciting of all. I’m real jumpy since I quit smoking, and have a lot of what I can only describe as nervous energy.

I’ll explain.

I recently switched internet/cable providers. I went from broadband/cable to DSL/sattelite dish. The new company chose to send me a self-install kit to get my new internet service up and running. No installation fees!! Yay!

There were a few minor challenges from the start. First, UPS refused to deliver the equipment to my home, on account of my not being there, and therefore being unavailable to sign for the package… so I had to run out to the UPS office and get it myself. Next, since I’m switching to DSL, I had to figure out where my phone jacks are located. I should probably already know this, right? But I didn’t. I only had a cell phone until 2 days ago… I couldn’t have told you if I even had phone jacks, let alone where they were located. After my search, I realized I had another minor bump. The phone jack, the one that’s closest to my computer- which is in the living room- isn’t really that close at all- it’s in the kitchen. So in addition to having to grab the internet install kit, I needed to pick up a super-long phone cord. No big deal.

Except when you’ve just given up smoking, that is.

Regardless, I managed to pick the stuff up, and get my ultra-long phone cord with only the most minor of meltdowns.

Side note- to that nice UPS guy, I am so sorry for threatening to bust your clipboard over your head if you didn’t get off the phone with your pregnant wife and find my package NOW!!. To the people at that little corner store where I bought the phone cord, I truly apologize for my 3 year old squatting and pooping in aisle 5. I further apologize for tearfully trying to bribe you to take her- and keep her- forever. I was kidding, I swear.

Anyway, so I get home, open the package and pull out the install CD.

That’s when I realize my CD Rom drive is broken. For Christ’s sake!! What’s next?!?!

From my diagnostic poking around, I realize my youngest daughter has shoved rubber bands and a sales receipt in there. Damn thing is just plain broken.

How the hell do I run the install CD with no CD Rom drive?

Sigh. Off to Wal-Mart I go. My thought was to buy an external drive,  something small and cheap, that I can plug into my USB port. PERFECT plan. Except Wal-Mart didn’t have any external drives.

By this point, I am absolutely psychotic, and on a mission. My options are to either figure out how to get myself connected to the internet OR buy a pack of cigarettes with a vodka chaser. Since I’m not quite ready to admit defeat in the ciggy/vodka department, I instead decide that my only choice is to forge ahead with the internet. I WILL have internet tonight, dammit! So I buy an actual CD Rom Drive, only doing so after lecturing the Wal-Mart lady about how many potential customers her organization is losing by not providing external CD Rom drives.

 <—– THIS is what I had to buy!

Leaving the store I realize I have no idea how the hell I’m supposed to install this thing. All I know is that without something to run that install CD on I’m not getting online. Besides, how hard can it be? There are instructions in the box!

Once home, I realize the directions are no help whatsoever. They use big words that only computer geeks would know… so I immediately threw them away. All they did was confuse me anyway.

Before long, I am sprawled out on the kitchen floor with my computer- in about 47 different pieces. I had managed to dismantle the entire damn thing, and I can tell you all I recognized on that floor was the CD Rom drive. Happy to have located it (WITHOUT those stinkin’ directions, I might add), I removed the old drive and put the new one in, careful to hook everything up exactly as it had been before I’d preformed surgery on it.

Holy Hannah, it worked!!

After a few minor bumps (I guess I should also apologize to that kind tech support lady at AT&T. I truly did not mean it when I said I was going to climb through the phone and physically assault you, if you didn’t hurry up and get my internet to work- I mean really- people can’t climb through phones!), I was online and happy.

So what if I have a 9,000 foot phone cord dragging on the floor from my living room, past the bathroom and into the kitchen? That’s what I figured staple guns were for. Only when I happened to casually mention to my mother that I intended to staple the living daylights out of that phone cord to get it permanently affixed along the ceiling- and therefore NOT dragging across my floor- she told me that I was facing certain death. Seems she lacks the confidence that I can take a metal staple gun and manage to shoot metal staples into an electrical cord and live to tell about it. Either that, or she believes I will staple myself in the head on accident. Then, what will the children do?


So for now the cord is laying there on the floor (and it’s quite ugly, I might add). For the record, I do not believe I will electrocute myself if I carry out my original plan with the staple gun. I do, however think it is entirely possible that I will staple myself in the head. Either on purpose, or on accident, you decide. I figure that might push me over the edge and make me fall right off that wagon.

Here’s to the internet, and addictions. Sure does make life interesting when you have ’em both!



Tryin' to get the hang of this life thing... one step at a time!

2 thoughts on “Internet, Staple Guns, Quitting Smoking and UPS

  1. lmao, you had me rolling all night thinking about that. But at the end of the ordeal i was telling people how impresssed i was , that you actually tackled all of those problems and came out on top victorios!!!

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