I was reading someone else’s blog today and came across a post entitled “To Be a Good Democrat”.
Since I think it’s ridiculous to lump all Republicans or all Democrats into one narrow category I decided- in good fun- to post my own list… to prove a point, of course.
To Be a Good Republican
- You have to believe the AIDS virus is really only spread by a bunch of gay assholes intent on taking over the world.
- You have to believe Barack Obama is somehow both a devout radical Muslim and a devout left-wing Christian- simultaneously, no less.
- You have to be pro-death (penalty) and pro-life at the same time.
- You have to believe that abortion is wrong no matter what, but then decide to stop giving a damn about the babies once they’re actually born.
- You have to believe the Holocaust was God’s will, and that Hitler was just a hunter, chosen by the Lord to get the Jews out of Europe and into Israel.
- You have to believe Rachael Ray is a Palestinian Jihad sympathizer with plans to take over the world via Dunkin Donuts.
- You have to believe that Saddam Hussein did have weapons of mass destruction and that he was the cause of 9/11… and that oil doesn’t have a damn thing to do with this so-called War on Terror.
- You have to believe that $5.00 for a gallon of gas is downright affordable, causing you to scratch your head and wonder what all these darn liberals are in such an uproar about.
- You have to believe that homosexuality is not only completely unnatural, but is a choice made by lunatics that are clearly nothing but gluttons for punishment… despite scientific evidence that says otherwise.
- You have to fight against affirmative action and then think it’s ok that minorities make less than whites because they have yet to earn their place in this society.
- You have to believe that all that druggin’ and boozin’ actually left at least one decent brain cell in President Bush’s body.
- You have to believe a president who lied about getting off using a cigar on one of his interns belongs in jail, but a president whose lies caused the very war we find ourselves in today deserves a medal of honor.
- You have to believe that all things non-Christian should be outlawed.
- You have to believe that the only people worthy of constitutional protection are white business men that are wealthy and belong to the NRA.
- You have to believe a photo ID is necessary to vote, but not to purchase a gun.
- You have to believe immigration needs to be stopped, and that the only people who deserve to be in this country are “Americans” though you yourself aren’t a true native- and never would have been here either, had someone in your family not been an immigrant once too.
- You have to believe that scientifically, humans never evolved, and that people were just… BAM!!… placed here arbitrarily one beautiful afternoon by God.
- You have to be of the opinion that the term “foreign policy” is really just code for barrell-assin’ into a country and killing a whole bunch of people… and then (maybe) asking questions later.
- You have to believe in abstinence, and that sex is just wrong- and then justify it when yet another married Republican politician finds himself caught in the act with his pants around his ankles… with yet another prostitute.
- You have to think the Rev. Wright is psycho, but worship all things Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and John Hagee.