Posted in C-Haze


I’ve learned over the years that we never really “get it” when it comes to life. At least I don’t. I keep thinking if I just “get” this next lesson, I’ll have “it” all figured out. Then something is thrown my way, some sort of life-type thing, and I realize… nope. I still don’t get it.

The best I can do is move forward. One foot in front of the other, keep doing the next right thing. That has served me well in recent years, so I plan to continue doing just that.

I moved back to my hometown, halfway across the country from where I spent the last 20+ years in 2020. I have never looked back. Until I left that place, I didn’t realize the turmoil, pain and trauma of my years there. I mean, I knew some stuff wasn’t great, and other stuff was downright awful… but I had gotten so used to functioning in that space at some level of numb that I truly didn’t realize how bad it had been until I left.

As if I’d gotten so accustomed to holding my breath, holding pain inside, that I somehow forgot that it was there to begin with.

Coming back to my people, my environment, my home was wonderful. It is wonderful. I love it here so much. I love the mountains just to west, and I love the ocean just to the east; that I can get to either in just a couple of hours is even better. I love popping up at my parents’ house, or hanging out with my brothers, their wives, their kids. The nieces and nephews I never got to know very well until now.

I’m no longer isolated.

Also, though… it’s brought new realizations. Until I found happiness, I didn’t realize just how unhappy I’d been for so many years. Until I learned what it means to be loved the right way, supported and mentally healthy, I didn’t understand just how wrong I’d done things before.

The realization, as it continues washing over me, is painful. For all the trauma and personal neglect I’ve worked through over the years, there is still more inside of me. More that needs exorcised and purged.

The best part? I can do it, and I no longer have to do it alone. All the independence I’d sought over the years, and I now know I wasn’t seeking the right thing! A wise person once told me, “The goal is not independence, it’s interdependence”. I feel that on a cellular level.